If after you read this title and you think this is one of those currently popular food/memoir blogs. Believe me, it isn't.
Yesterday my employer brought some sugar-free chocolates to the job. Chocolates he purchased in the airport while experiencing a flight delay for his return to Miami from Charlotte, NC. He was so elated to show them: "Look they're sugar free! Low calorie. Isn't that great?" This from a man who relishes large, meaty burgers with lots of cheese and a jumbo order of fries on the side.
I ate some of those sugar-free, low-calorie chocolates and about an hour later, I experienced the terrifying, sweaty feeling of needing to explode. The Laxative Chocolates as I call them, contained some sort of ingredient that after a time, my body absolutely would not tolerate. It was as if the Intestinal Police finally saw the perp after he'd been hanging out a while:
"Hey there buddy, you're not from these parts are you?"
"Nope."
"Well, we're accustomed to having Sugar accompanying these here chocolates - you look like a foreigner."
"I am, Officer. I'm a chemical. I taste like sugar, I'm used like sugar - but I ain't sugar."
"Well, we don't like your kind around here. You best be getting on your way - NOW."
"Fine with me. In fact, I think I'll take everything in the intestinal tract with me. Have a nice day."
I was mortified, just making it to the bathroom in the nick of time. And yet, I saw the positive side: the chocolates never got absorbed into my body - into my fat cells. I had eaten three large chocolates without absorbing a single calorie! Not to mention my breakfast of some ghastly whole wheat cereal in soy milk, was also exempted. The chocolates were a confectionary high-colonic.
I took a few of the remaining ones home with me to freeze. I'm saving them for Thanksgiving.
Yesterday my employer brought some sugar-free chocolates to the job. Chocolates he purchased in the airport while experiencing a flight delay for his return to Miami from Charlotte, NC. He was so elated to show them: "Look they're sugar free! Low calorie. Isn't that great?" This from a man who relishes large, meaty burgers with lots of cheese and a jumbo order of fries on the side.
I ate some of those sugar-free, low-calorie chocolates and about an hour later, I experienced the terrifying, sweaty feeling of needing to explode. The Laxative Chocolates as I call them, contained some sort of ingredient that after a time, my body absolutely would not tolerate. It was as if the Intestinal Police finally saw the perp after he'd been hanging out a while:
"Hey there buddy, you're not from these parts are you?"
"Nope."
"Well, we're accustomed to having Sugar accompanying these here chocolates - you look like a foreigner."
"I am, Officer. I'm a chemical. I taste like sugar, I'm used like sugar - but I ain't sugar."
"Well, we don't like your kind around here. You best be getting on your way - NOW."
"Fine with me. In fact, I think I'll take everything in the intestinal tract with me. Have a nice day."
I was mortified, just making it to the bathroom in the nick of time. And yet, I saw the positive side: the chocolates never got absorbed into my body - into my fat cells. I had eaten three large chocolates without absorbing a single calorie! Not to mention my breakfast of some ghastly whole wheat cereal in soy milk, was also exempted. The chocolates were a confectionary high-colonic.
I took a few of the remaining ones home with me to freeze. I'm saving them for Thanksgiving.
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