College Girl in the Fifties - Not the Era - My Age

I'm an anomaly of sorts. I'm in my 50s, never been married, no kids. Not gay (not that there's anything wrong with that - unless you're like Pat Robertson - then you're on another planet anyway and the underlying issues go way further than this paltry blog entry.)

I've been in a few committed relationships - but basically I don't like to be told what to do or answer to anybody, so I'm single. And quite frankly, a lot of my friends are too. But society places so much importance on marriage and "couples" that it's still not a popular stance to advocate "freedom of person" as I call it. But that's a horse of another blog entry and today we're discussing college. So onward!

I've always been bothered that I don't have a college degree. I have had all kinds of certificates or licenses: electrolysis, real estate, yoga, driver's - but no college degree. (I've even published two books.)

Hence, I decided the time's going to pass anyway, I'm a getting a college degree. I've done everything else - except have a kid - no thanks (although I enjoy others' kids and too late for my womb anyway) - so I've enrolled in school. It's a community college (I have some credits towards a degree because I was enrolled there several years ago but the algebra did me in, so I quit). Well screw the algebra - I'm going to conquer it this time! How can I let a concept that has the word "bra" in it get the best of me? What kind of woman would I be? (Bra-less?)

Tonight I went to Barnes & Noble and instead of perusing the short stories, humor, or magazine racks - or staring longingly at the pastries - I went to the "study aids" section and got me a book called Pre-Algebra DeMystified. If that's not a compelling title, then I don't know what is. The book has a picture of an insane guy with two heads and bulging eyes on the front cover. He appears to be screaming. (There's a hook right there 'cause basically that's what I feel like when I even think of algebra.) The book promises to have you "gain a working knowledge of all types of math and concepts" and is the "perfect study resource for pre-college and college entrance exams." It is written by Allan Bluman. I mention this because being an author myself - I think of Allan Bluman. Was this always his dream? To write an algebra book? Did he stay awake nights - excited and giddy over the fact that yes! he would write a book that would once and for all - demystify algebra! Hell' s a poppin' who wouldn't be excited! I know I am.

I wonder: What does Allan look like? There's no author picture on the back of the book like on a Sue Grafton mystery or a Steven King thriller. How come? What kind of man writes a pre-algebra book and doesn't want his picture on the jacket? After all, it's a monumental undertaking (that would make some people acutally consider an undertaker). I mean, how many people can even figure out a 20% off coupon - let alone write an algebra book? Is Allan afraid people will stop him on the street and ask him for his autograph or that the paparazzi may sneak around his house, perhaps snapping illicit pictures of him sharpening pencils in his skivvies? Does he have a really big forehead and carry a calculator everywhere he goes - even the men's room? Or does he do everything in his head? Alas, I'll never know.

I need to take a CPT (college placement test) for algebra before I can sign up for any more classes. So I bought the book because I suck at algebra. At least I did the last time I tried it. I have a 3.50 GPA for the credits I do have. Other subjects are not an issue. But algebra is like that two-headed dog in the Harry Potter movie. I have to slay my two-headed beast - disinterest and intimidation - before I get the treasure - and honestly, I think I'd rather take on a drooling, two-headed canine with ass-breath than ponder exponential notations. But really, I don't feel that intimidated - I'm doing this because I want to - not because I have to - and that makes all the difference. Like oral sex. If you have to do it - you absolutely hate it - but if you want to .... you still hate it. Ha, ha, ha. Right.

So that's it. I'll keep you posted. Exponentially, of course.